So Tuesday morning started with me feeling quite sick and anxious. I didn't know why.
I'm comfortable talking to people about my feelings, as I've said before I'm not ashamed and have accepted that these feelings are part of me, but maybe it was the worry of how/if I was to be judged.
Or what if she said "actually you are totally normal, of you go" and then I get no help.
As I sat in the doctors waiting room I immediately became aware of my body language. I was sat on the edge of the seat, bag in my lap, huddled, cuddling the back so tight. Eyes down, shoulders up to my ears.
My name was called and I followed the lady into the room. She wasn't what I imagined her to look like. Smart but not suited and booted and Uber Professional. Casual but not 'I wear this everyday, just threw it on' slummy-ness.
I didn't know at first if we would click. For some reason I expected her to be younger than she was.
I'd practised our chat in my head for weeks but this isn't what she looked like at all so everything I imagined just disappeared out of the window.
I was sat in a chair facing a window. The curtains were open, blinds were a bit messy in that some were closed and some had a great big gap. The spring sunshine powered in.
Just seeing the fresh outside helped me breathe.
After introductions it was time to start.
Where did I start?
No, really, where did I start? I can't remember.
The appointment was an hour and in that hour I talked more than I've ever talked before.
Total brain dump.
I cried, I laughed, I apologised, I said "oh I don't know" a lot.
As time when on I felt my shoulders slowly dropping.
By the end I felt a stone lighter. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
Not only did she listen but she understood. She helped. She came up with a plan.
"The last man I saw was nice but I didn't feel a connection with him. He didn't seem to know where to go. He sent me off and told me to sort out my feelings with Reiki or meditation but with no real support" I told her. "You. I feel like you are holding my hand. Giving me a gentle push. Telling me its ok."
She simply smiled. She told me I'd done really well in the session, talking about Harrys birth, family problems, my issues with my dad leaving, friends letting me down. It was a lot of information for her to take in, which I kept apologising for.
"I expected you to feel exhausted at the end" she told me.
As I left I felt so much better. She told me to go and enjoy life and enjoy my boys and I do. Every single day I do. I just want to enjoy being me a bit more and go through life without worrying that a lion is about to eat me, that there is a sniper aiming at me 24/7, or any other crazy ott thoughts I have.
I'm really looking forward to the things we have planned and hope I don't have to wait too long.
I don't want to just concentrate on keeping alive, I want to concentrate on living.