- I have to answer the prompt I have chosen and can’t put it back and pick another one.
- I have to fill at least one page of an A5 notebook (no short answers allowed)
13.3.24
Creating a journal jar with 200 journal prompts
26.2.24
An Authentic Tattoo
My word for 2024 is "authentic" and so far I'm doing my best to live by this.
I've shared already 'things I will no longer apologise for' which really showed my starting point in being authentic. Being completely me and being unapologetic for it.
Back in 2015 I got my first tattoos. My whole plan was to just get some small ones. Just 'Alis volat propriis' (She flies with her own wings in Latin, and the reason my blog got it's new name), a semi colon for mental health, and a bird as I'd just been introduced to the song Blackbird (by the Beatles but a different version) and the lyrics really resonated with the point I was at in my life at the time (spoiler alert, the bird tattoo was added to with two other birds which looked shocking so all 3 were covered up).
I never imagined that almost 10 years later I'd have a full sleeve, some on my fingers, some dotted around on my other arm, chest, a few on my left left and now what seems to be the start of a half leg sleeve.
I remember a conversation at work once where someone had mentioned a certain object and I said "Oh, I have a tattoo of that" and their reply being "Well, what haven't you got a tattoo of?". It made me laugh because a lot of my tattoos may seem random and don't all follow a particular theme other than being part of my story.
Someone else once said "I look at your sleeve and feel like it tells your story". I loved that.
There was one tattoo I'd joked about getting for a while, and it is one that had the most "don't get that" or "you can't get that" and this year, with my word of 2024 shouting loudly in my head along with one of my life mottos of "I'd rather regret doing something than to regret not doing something" I sent over the list of tattoos to my tattoo artist and it proudly included the tattoo I had been wanting to get.
I'm not even sure why I say I'd joked about getting it. I think for a while because it was just an idea that seemed silly to me really, but more based on what other people would think, but for me is something really special.
When both my children were little we used to watch 'In the Night Garden' A LOT. I remember putting it on when I was pregnant with Charles, my eldest son, and thinking "What on earth is this?!" but then, once he was born, we never missed an episode. We would recreate an episode about "Iggle Piggles Tiddle" (when Iggle Piggle stamps on the floor and a burst of water pops up) in the bath by spraying water out of a bottle. I'd ring the phone, hand it to Charles, then grab the phone I'd used to call my phone and go to another room and pretend to be Makka Pakka. Birthdays and Christmases would include a Ninky Nonk or some kind of 'In The Night Garden' merchandise, including a large Makka Pakka teddy. And despite having a fear of people dressed in costumes, I grabbed my youngest son during a visit to Alton Towers where Upsy Daisy was paying a visit and had a photo next to her.
It's got a lot of happy memories for me, particularly because at that time I was struggling a lot with my mental health and it was around this time I started writing about it and becoming really passionate about breaking the stigma, talking about it and being really open about my journey.
My boys obviously grew out of watching the programme but it's always been something really special to me (it is still to them in some ways) but it's something that now, as a 38 year old adult, I still find really comforting, to the point that when I'm in a really low point with my head and going to bed sad or struggling my boyfriend will sweetly play the theme tune to make me smile (ok, it also makes me cry happy tears too). For a while I thought it best to not admit these things but, authentic me, doesn't see why I should hide it. Realising now too, it's not really any different to adults who like Disney!
On my right leg I have tattoos of things that bring me peace, things that I find spiritually safe, and now also things that don't fit on my sleeve I suppose! Last year I got the laughing Buddha, lyrics to two songs by The 1975 to go along with a crystal tattoo, a clog with tulips and angel wings with two hands which represent guardian angels. So it felt super fitting that I added another thing that makes me feel spiritually safe, and brings me peace.
On the inside of my right leg on my ankle, I got, tattooed on me FOR LIFE, my favourite character from In The Night Garden.
Makka Pakka.
He's only small, but it makes me smile every time I look at him. Just before he stuck the needle in I did say to my tattooist "Am I silly for getting this? Is this too much?" and he is incredibly honest with me and said "not at all".
Do I feel regret? Absolutely not! Am I showing him off with pride at any opportunity? Absolutely yes!
He is a symbol of peace for me, of happiness, and of me being unapologetically me.
Authentically.
5.2.24
Why us?
Any illness or disease can conjure up the question “Why me?” “why her/him/them?”. “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’ve always managed to avoid this way of thinking. I’m not sure why, at least wasn’t until last year when I sat there and realised why I think I was “given” anxiety and depression.
To help others. To write about my experiences, to openly talk about mental health, to make others feel like it’s not just them or to even understand why a loved one may be a certain way.
But also because I can see anxiety in my son. He’s not been professionally diagnosed but as someone who has lived with this for 29 years I can see he has it. I know people will argue it is “learned behaviour” but I have always been really careful to not show my anxiety to my children and I believe if this was the case I would have two anxious children, not just one.
Last year we were going on holiday and our accommodation changed which resulted in my sons anxiety “flaring up”. Due to my experience with travel anxiety and anxiety around going to new places I was able to use my coping mechanisms to help him. And we ended up having a really lovely holiday!
I’m currently suffering with burn out and with going on holiday on Wednesday to visit my boyfriends family made the decision to request 2 days Mental Health sick leave. After a tough 2 weeks, and then a weekend of crying and panic attacks I knew that I needed 2 days to focus on me and fixing myself as best I can in the short term so I can go on holiday to relax, and to not have things whirring around in my head.
My plan was to potentially work if I felt any better. However woke up this morning (Monday) feeling already like a panic attack was waiting for me so knew it was best to relax for the time being and see how I felt later on.
It actually turned out that this morning I needed to help my son with his mental health.
For a second I felt annoyed, it was supposed to be 2 days for me to look after myself and on top of everything else I didn’t need something else added to my plate. But soon enough it changed to “YOU CAN HELP HIM”. And I remembered that have gone through and I am going through what I am going through to help him.
It was tough. We were both tired and emotional. But we got there. He felt safe. He felt listened to. He knows I will always be there for him and he thanked me for it.
At that point I almost thanked my anxiety and my depression for helping me to be able to deal with my sons feelings and thoughts. I was able to use the right words, to tell him he is not alone, to share some of my experiences so he knew I wasn’t just making things up or trying to understand how he felt. And this is what made him feel safe.
I may not have ever said “Why me?” But I do sometimes think “Why him?”. It’s hard when it’s your child and you don’t want things like this to take over their heads or hold them back in life and certainly don’t want to see them struggle but I wonder if maybe he is going through this because one day he will need this experience? If one day he might get a job and need to use this? Or be in a relationship and be able to use his experience? Or indeed with his future children? Or maybe even to help with me?
This week he has been amazing at comforting me, which maybe a child shouldn’t do in some people’s eyes but raising my child to be compassionate, affectionate and kind is so important to me.
So why us? Not because we can’t cope. But maybe because we can cope, because this reminds us of our strength and because there is a reason we were chosen? To give us experience to be able to help others.
It might break us for a while, but ultimately our strength will shine through and we will get through it.
2.2.24
Unseen. Unheard.
Unseen.
Unheard.
Shouting from the bottom.
Trying to prove her worth.
Showing her capability.
Her knowledge.
Her strengths.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
She shouts louder.
From the bottom.
Others move past.
Around and above her.
She remains beneath.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
She wonders if she is invisible sometimes.
A spare part.
She wonders if she belongs.
She hears words sometimes.
No actions.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
Waiting for a change.
She questions her capability.
Her knowledge.
Her strengths.
And she starts to break.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
She’s at the bottom.
But feels like she is sinking.
Lower. Lower.
Wondering how this is possible?
How you can be lower than the bottom.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
Is she imagining her voice?
All the things she is doing?
She sometimes thinks she’ll get there.
She’s moving.
But she isn’t.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
She’s lost.
She’s stuck.
She’s sinking.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Everyday feels the same.
Unseen.
Unheard.
23.1.24
Word for 2024
2018 - Routine….which I then changed to Faith.
2019 - Be
2020 - You
2021 and 2022- Mental health was spiralling down so I didn’t have a word for these two years
2023 - Enlightenment
My 2023 word felt like a bit of a cheat. I use the word “enlightened” to describe 2015 when my life completely changed. Spirituality became a big thing in my life, I started to discover who I am and who I was not, I left my marriage, I got a job and it got me to where I am today. But last year I felt like I was going through that again. It was the year I had to make changes again, to accept who I am, to stick up for myself more, to realise my worth and feel stronger in life.
My word for 2024 also seems like a bit of a cheat because it’s something else I lived by for a while but only really became aware of what a big thing it is for me around October time.
My word is “Authentic”.
I remember the charity dinner in 2022 and meeting someone from the exec board for the first time. We had a conversation about authenticity because I really admired how he is always authentically himself. He gave me the reassurance that I can be the same and show who I truly am, I don’t need to put a mask on or be someone else just to please others.
Something I have really worked on is being authentic and not worrying about what people think of me. It is easier said than done and has taken a lot of work, I’m not fully there yet but I’ve come a long way from where I was.
I cry a lot, I laugh a lot, I take a lot of photos, I have a lot of tattoos, I look a certain way because of my long dark hair, I dress how I want to dress, I like to joke about and not be serious ALL THE TIME, and so often I apologised for all of that. And through therapy I realised that there is nothing to apologise for.
Those things make me me. They do not hurt anyone and if anyone has an issue with those things then it’s on them.
I realised that the only way I am ever going to be truly happy is to be “unapologetically me”.
If I cry, I’m not sorry. If I laugh a lot at a joke or situation (as long as it’s not inappropriate) then I’m not sorry. If you don’t like my tattoos or my nose piercing, I’m not sorry. If you think my hair should be lighter, I’m not sorry.
I’m definitely not sorry for being 38 years old and still loving In The Night Garden despite the fact my boys are 12 and 14.
Being unapologetically me will also ensure I am surrounded by people who really should be in my life.
I shouldn't have to justify or defend my choices anymore because of others.
People who accept me for me, even if I am different to them in whatever way.
I started to look at people who I look up to and whose characters I am attracted to. And realised that they all had one thing in common. Being unapologetically themselves.
Jennifer Lawrence being a key example of this. I love how goofy she is, how she takes the mickey out of herself, how she is very openly “THIS IS ME” and doesn’t apologise for it.
Dawn French, Matty Healy (ok, slightly controversial and he has had to apologise a few times), Claudia Winkleman, Jim Carey, Rylan Clarke. I watch and listen to these people and it gives me a boost to know if they can be themselves and be in the public eye then I can be who I am in the small world I’m in.
So 2024, my year of being fully authentic. Unapologetically me.
Making choices for myself, reducing my people pleasing, not being sorry, accepting who I am and saying “let them” to people who don’t accept me for who I am. No longer wearing a mask and protecting other people and putting them before me.
What would your word be for 2024?
21.1.24
Things I Will No Longer Apologise For
I’m not quite sure how I feel about it.
I get on with my therapist so well. We’ve both said that “in another life” we would be great friends. We both really enjoy the sessions too. I already know I’ll really miss her.
In my session last week. After a 3 week break over Christmas, I was able to really pick up on my growth and things I’ve learnt. I felt so proud of myself but I also know there is a lot more we could have done, and from now on it’s up to me to keep up with the practices we’ve put into place and to continue to work on myself and keep this version running.
We covered a lot about me being a people pleaser. As a result I’ve put others first a lot and let people walk all over me, treat me how they want and although at the beginning of last year I decided to take steps to change some of those relationships, I still felt a kind of guilt for doing what was best for me.
One thing she picked up on is that I will apologise for a lot of things to please other people. Things I shouldn’t be sorry for. Things about my character which are part of me, not offensive to others and are others issues if they don’t like it.
I wanted to sit and make a list of those things. To show how far I’ve come, where I’m at and as a reminder if I have a “relapse”.
What I choose to do with and to my body.
This being tattoos, piercings, what I do or don’t wear, how I have my hair or what colour my hair is. Lash extensions, how dark I do my eyebrows. The style and colours I have on my nails.
Also included in this is my weight. It doesn’t matter what size or shape I am, it only matters if I am happy with that. And if I’m not happy with it, it’s on me to recognise that and do something about it.
My weight, my tattoos, my hair, piercings do not change who I am inside. Putting on weight can make me self conscious and affect me in that way but my tattoos, the way I dress, my hair etc boosts my confidence and makes me feel more me. That’s not a bad thing surely?
My emotions.
I have always felt really self conscious around 2 things in particular. One being that I laugh a lot and the other being that I cry a lot, not just at sad things but at happy things, cute things, memories, photos, songs, all sorts!
It doesn’t hurt anyone so why should I be sorry about it? If anyone doesn’t like it then it’s on them.
How I choose to spend my time.
I can feel sorry and guilty if I just want a day or even an hour of doing nothing. If I want to sit on my phone and just look at TikTok or play games for a while then it’s completely ok. The only time it isn’t is if it truly affects how I take care of myself, my children or my house. But this kind of goes in line with one of my favourite quotes. “Sometimes, it’s ok if all you did today was breathe”.
Things I am into.
So what if I like to listen to songs on repeat? If I want to only listen to The 1975 in my car for a while. If I want to listen to 21 Seconds by So Solid Crew because one day I want to be able to recite all of the lyrics. If I listen to crime podcasts as I go to sleep and watch crime/true life shows which are dark before I go to sleep rather than a comedy or something light hearted?
Taking so many photos.
I take a ridiculous amount of photos. I'll take photos of buildings, animals, flowers, food, people. I love taking photos and one of the main reasons I do it is because in a situation when I'm anxious or overwhelmed I find it hard to really "live in the moment" and take in what is going on. By taking photos when I look back the next day it gives me that reminder of what I did and how I truly felt about that which would have been taken over by anxiety and overwhelm at the time.
Not actioning an email straight away.
I have got myself in a habit of never being able to have an unread email. If I’m working on something and see an email come through I have to read it, and more often than not I’ll action it and reply straight away. This is something I need to step back from and instead prioritise things. Does it need an immediate reply or can it wait an hour, or until the next day?
The problem with how I have worked with emails is that I’ve set up an expectation and people to expect an immediate reply or action and will assume I’m on annual leave if I haven’t replied in half an hour.
Sticking up for myself and realising my worth.
Bigging myself up and being proud of myself.
I truly feel like if you don’t big yourself up and realise what you are good at etc then how will you progress, how will people know what you’re good at? There’s obviously certain ways to do it to not come across egotistical but saying “I did a really good job with this” is completely ok. It’s the same as positive affirmations right?!
Being authentic.
I’ve worked really hard to accept who I am, my personality, my character, my mental health, my struggles, my strengths and my weaknesses. I’m not sorry for who I am. Not anymore.
9.1.24
Christmas Dave
Mental Health of a Solo Parent - Part 2
Mental Health of a Solo Parent - Part 1
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